Recently, I've come to a conclusion that I've tried to avoid. Women have a serious problem with confidence. Finding a confident woman is difficult.
To give an example, I have a friend who is a dual-career woman. She has two distinct professional degrees. Her dedication to excellence inspires me to improve and to seek a better side of myself. I regard her in such a way that there is no need for her to exert any sense of authority or power or control.
Still, she informs me that my opinions of her have little influence over how she handles her affairs. Well, I'm not in the business of giving anyone permission to do anything--such freedom comes from a higher power. So why does my friend feel the need to be so controlling?
I believe it’s a matter of confidence. Believing in one's decisions creates little reason to suppress the desires of others in order to assert one's own ideas. Confidence allows one to accept criticisms and comments without feeling as though the self is under attack. I get the feeling that my friend is so determined to demonstrate to the world that she is strong and capable as a professional that she is corrupting a necessary state of balance needed to enjoy a fulfilling personal life.
Granted, leading a professional practice often requires making the most important decisions alone, but relationships require that "aloneness" be sacrificed. I wonder why professional women often lack the ability to make this transition.
Perhaps there's some underlying sense of being perceived in a negative light that drives this behavior. In their book, Your Own Worse Enemy: Understanding the Paradox of Self-Defeating Behavior, Berglas and Baumeister call this type of behavior self-sabotage because it belongs to a set of behaviors that prevents persons from accomplishing goals they establish for themselves. Being obsessed with how others perceive you prevents actions that may be in your best interest. Self-sabotage is a form of low self-esteem, or self-confidence.
I know this to be true because I've been there, too. Being in a position where you question your judgment before others or having others doubt your ability to demonstrate clear judgment is debasing. But it’s an essential part of growing because no one has all of the answers. Someone will always have more answers, better answers and quicker answers than you do.
Then too, difficult experiences are sometimes impossible to erase from memory. But life is painful enough. So why make it more difficult by clinging to bad experiences. Fortunate for me, my life is comprised of mostly positive experiences. My childhood home had sufficient quantities of compassion and tenderness. So one message was clear:
People who love themselves are capable of loving others. In turn, they transfer their limitless love to others without diminishing themselves. They are dependent on God (and themselves) for love, not other people.
I do have several level-headed sisters that are close friends who are source of sheer joy. We share experiences openly with each other without the feeling that one of us is threatening the other. With these sisters, I don't have to watch carefully every word that I say. These relationships are a blessing.
Yet, despite my initial conclusion, I remain hopeful. I also continue to look harder at myself. Perhaps I'm not being sensitive enough; maybe I expect too much. As soon as I meet a confident sister, I’ll get back to you.
