This may be the most important article you’ll read about dealing with your man’s affair. There’s plenty of information available on what to do if your man is cheating. But very little has been written about the things you shouldn’t do.
You found out your man is cheating on you. You’re not sure what to do. Before wrestling with that decision, let’s focus on what you SHOULDN’T do. Most women react blindly when they find out their man is seeing someone on the side. They let fear, anger, hurt, or a desire for revenge drive them to do things they later regret -- things which make it difficult or impossible to follow any worthwhile infidelity advice they later receive.
This article will keep you from making a mistake that could sabotage the course of action you eventually decide to take. Regardless of whether you decide to leave your man or stay with him and try to work things out, doing the wrong thing at the outset can make a bad situation worse. Let’s look at 5 key things you SHOULDN’T do and examine the reasons why.
1. Don’t put him out or leave him - yet.
If the two of you are married or living together, putting your man out or leaving him is the worst thing you can do at this point. Instead of your first move, this should be your last resort. You may eventually decide to follow this course of action, but for now you need to keep a close eye on what’s going on. It’ll be easier to do that if the two of you are still living under the same roof, or at least seeing each other on a regular basis. Put him out, leave, or break up with him now, and you’ll have no way of knowing what he’s up to, short of hiring an investigator. As long as you’re still together, you can keep your finger on the pulse of his affair and gather some much-needed facts. There’s a lot you need to know about the situation before you can make an intelligent decision about what to do. Monitor your man’s activities, attitude, and the frequency of his contact with his lover and any other details concerning his affair. Write everything down in a journal for future use. Also bear in mind that as long as you’re together, there’s a chance you can work things out.
2. Don’t tell the whole world about his infidelity.
It’s natural to want to confide in someone about your man’s cheating ways, or rally friends and family to your side. But be cautious about who you tell. The female friend you confide in could turn out to be his lover. Make sure you’re confiding in someone you know you can trust. Confiding in a male friend about your man’s infidelity could complicate the situation. There are men out there who prey on women when they’re in a vulnerable state. Telling his friends or family may not produce the results you want. They might not take you seriously, or they may lie, make excuses for him, take his side, or warn him to cover his tracks. Confiding in your own family and friends can eventually come back to haunt you. Elephants aren’t the only ones who never forget. Some people have a tendency to remember unpleasant events long after they’ve been resolved. If you and your man decide to reconcile, they could make things difficult by harboring anger and hostility toward him for what he did to you. Or they may show resentment toward you for taking him back. Be very careful about telling others that your man is cheating on you.
3. Don’t ignore his affair or pretend it’s not happening.
Going into denial will only make matters worse. As traumatic as it is to find out that your man has been cheating, you need to face the reality of the situation. Ignoring his infidelity gives him the go-ahead to continue his affair. Pretending it’s not happening will make him think he’s getting away with his cheating, or give him the impression that he has your silent approval. At some point you need to inform him that you know he’s cheating and make it clear that you want him to stop. The sooner you confront him about this, the better. The longer you wait to bring it up and express your disapproval, the more attached he’ll become to his lover. And the harder it will be to get your relationship back on track. Remember too, that cheating thrives on secrecy. Sometimes, just telling your man you know what’s going on, will be enough to cramp his style.
4. Don’t confront him without the 3 P’s – Proof, a Plan, and a Purpose.
Most experts agree that you should confront your man about his cheating. But you need to have a plan. Choose the time and place carefully so you can discuss the affair at length without interruption. Do not ask him if he’s cheating. Cheaters lie. It’s unrealistic to expect him to tell you the truth the first time around. The Cheater’s Credo is “Lie and deny,” so it may take a while to get the facts. Present the evidence you’ve gathered to prove that he’s cheating - names, dates, places, times, absences, phone calls, physical evidence, etc. Then ask him some pointed questions about his affair: why he did it, how it started, how long it’s been going on, how he feels about the other woman, what he intends to do now that you know. Listen carefully to his answers so you can accurately assess the situation. You’ll be in a better position to make a wise decision about what course of action to take. Do not confront your man about cheating without proof of his infidelity. To do so will be a colossal waste of time. Unless you can prove he’s been cheating, the fact-finding phase of your confrontation will never get off the ground. If you need proof, there’s a way for you to get it without hiring a detective or buying expensive surveillance equipment. “Is He Cheating on You? - 829 Telltale Signs” will help you find all the proof you need using only your eyes and ears, your personal knowledge of your man, and the information in this book.
5. Do not waste your time and energy on the other woman.
One of the worst things you can do is become obsessed with the other woman. It’s natural for you to be curious about her, but she’s not worth your time and energy. Repeatedly questioning your man about her, referring to her or dragging her name into the conversation puts the spotlight on her instead of on the real issues where it belongs. Don’t obsess over the details of what happened between the two them. Concentrate on working things out between the two of you. Do not humiliate or frustrate yourself by calling or confronting his lover and demanding that she leave your man alone. She’s not obligated to take orders from you. Harassing her or threatening her with bodily harm will put you on the wrong side of the law. Name-calling, criticizing or belittling her will only make him come to her defense. You’ll be driving them closer together instead of forcing them apart Forget about the other woman and focus your energy and efforts on getting your relationship back on track.
Will you sabotage your relationship or save it? It all depends on how you handle things when you first find out about your man’s affair. It may take you a while to figure out what to do about his cheating. But at least you know what NOT to do. Whether you stay with your man or leave him, avoiding these mistakes, leaves the way clear for whatever decision you eventually make.
